Scourge Arrives

[primus_seeress]

*Auspex is wandering in the wildernesses around her sanctuary. There are times she simply needs to see the sky and stars, and seek Primus in the landscape of her homeworld. She drifts over the plains, utilizing her seldom-used hover vehicle mode. She finds a peculiar outcropping of metal, transforms, and climbs up a little higher, to perch on it, and survey the scenery.*

*She has a suspicion Primus has a purpose for her being here... but doesn't he always? She murmurs a prayer as she watches the serene landscape.*

((originally dated 2006-10-14 23:23:00))

Comments

[primus_seeress]

*Her eyes flicker offline briefly* So, he deliberately probed you for pain, to find what hurt you the most, removing parts, and did so repeatedly? He was not satisfied with one part, he collected them? As I said, I do not fault you the fear you felt. It was an experience of torment, and one you will never forget. And yet, you are still here, you are not in physical pain now... why are you afraid of someone touching you? You do not expect such treatment from everyone, do you?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

I can't help it. I get scared when someone touches me, even lightly. *at least it's easier to talk to someone he doesn't know, rather than Cyclonus or another Decepticon. He feels completely weak and useless* It's just a reaction I'm used to. I flinched, he liked it. The more fear I showed, the better.

[primus_seeress]

*she looks thoughtful for a moment. Then she holds her hand out to him* What of the reverse? If I asked you to take my hand, would you? It would be a step in the right direction, just a tiny step. I will understand if you cannot, but it may help.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*lookings skeptically at her hand, then reaches out and touches her palm with the tips of his claws* I'm not sure what you're trying to prove. *takes her hand*

[primus_seeress]

First of all, that you have the confidence enough that you do not feel the need to cocoon yourself off from any contact entirely; that few others are as cruel as Void, and there are people you should not fear. Secondly, to demonstrate that Primus can be trusted, and myself as well. And hopefully, so I may be of some comfort. You do need it, even if you don't believe you do. You've been shown so much cruelty and ridicule; you need something to show you that someone does care what you've been through, and something to feel besides pain. *she closes her fingers around his hand just slightly*

What else would you tell me?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

The others...if they don't think me an outright traitor, they think I'm a weakling. The Sweeps follow me, they get a bit more slack. *sighs and clutches her hand a bit tighter* Although I think they still blame me for what happened the first time I tried to run away.

[primus_seeress]

*she nods patiently* So you did have the will to attempt an escape, and more than once. That shows that you are stronger than you think. What happened?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*his hands start shaking and he pulls away from her* Void made me pick one of them. Turned off control of my optics and audials so I had to watch... *he bites his lip, denting the metal* Void tortured him to death. He said it was supposed to be a warning, and that the same thing would happen to me.

At least the second time I tried to escape, I was the only one he hurt. I thought I was going to die that time, I wanted. If Dreadboots hadn't come along, I'd be dead. *because there are a lot of ways for a mech to kill himself, with or without a gun*

[primus_seeress]

*Auspex gasps softly, hand to her face, optics flickering momentarily* I'm sorry... I know that doesn't even begin to touch the pain, but I'm so very sorry... *She gently prods* How did you escape in the first place? How did he find you again?

Dreadboots? I met her, briefly. What did she do?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

The first time I just broke ranks and ran. They shot me down and took me back. The second time I tried to slip out on my own, and called Cyclonus for help. He trusted me enough to come and help him...when Void caught up with us, Void said he'd wipe out both of us, and the Sweeps...unless I shot Cyclonus myself. *claws clench* So I did it. Only wounded him, but I did it, to save myself.

[primus_seeress]

So, the first time, you fled Void during a battle between his people and yours? *She emphasizes that he belongs to the latter, not the former*

As for the second: you tried. By then, you well believed that Void could kill you both, and you were defending Cyclonus's life, as much as your own. He would be safe, at the cost of your relationship to him and the others. It was actually rather noble of you, given the impossible circumstances you had. It was a hard choice to make.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

Cyc would have wanted me to fight Void anyway. He'd rather die for the cause then run away like that. *sighs, speaking softly* And I wasn't trying to wound him. I shot to kill.

[primus_seeress]

I know there is the pride of the warrior, but there is also the protectiveness of a triad-mate. You obviously did not want to kill Cyclonus, but Void had your will, and your terror, and that gave him immense power over your actions. I don't believe you tried to kill Cyclonus. I do believe that you tried to convince yourself that you had, for the sake of Void's probing, to hide pain from him that he would exploit.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*looks at her in confusion* Where are you getting all this? *because it almost feels true*

[primus_seeress]

I am in contact with Primus, and he can see through the layers you've wrapped around your thoughts, to hide them fom Void, and even from yourself. You cannot see your own emotions objectively, with so much self-deception obscuring the terror of what you've been through. So Primus looks through the obscurity, and helps me to carefully remove the layers, and find the truth, and show you it is not as bad as you recall. This is pain you hid from Void, and you have never had the opportunity to see it for what it is.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

Why should I want to see it? It hurts, I just want to forget about it. *turns away slightly, bad images flooding into his head. He remembers writhing in pain, screaming, willing to do anything to make it stop*

"What are you?"

"Please-"

*wires being ripped out of his chest, unable to more or do anything but feel agony* "Answer me!"

*sobbing* "I'm scum, I'm rust, scrap, I'm nothing, my lord."

"Filth.. That's what you are, you pathetic piece of garbage."

*body aching, wings in tatters, his fingers dangling useless and broken from his hands* "Yes, my lord."

[primus_seeress]

*While Primus usually shows only impressions, rather than actual worded thoughts, the residual emotion from Scourge is enough to make her shudder, with a little squeak of dismay. Now Primus fills in the rest of the background, reveals the words, and she gently but firmly takes Scourge's hand again, not heeding any protests he might make* You can't leave it buried; it is still there, and it will continue to wear away at your mind, long after it's happened. It's wrapped in layers of thought that will poison your mind. Once it is exposed, it will still be a terrible memory, but it won't kill you anymore.

This memory you just had... it is in the past. Void can no longer hurt you. You are not any of the things he said of you, or made you say of yourself. You know that, but you've made yourself believe it, for the sake of appeasing Void and ending the torment. That torment is gone... you no longer have to believe his lies. Let the lies go.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*bitterly* What lies? He's a bastard but he was right about some things. Maybe I could have done something before, but I'm no good now.

I can't face it, not again. I'm not expecting you to understand, but there's nothing else I can do. It's exposed enough and it hurts whenever I touch it.

[primus_seeress]

Do not simply give up on yourself. There are very few that could live through that sort of abuse, let alone think even remotely coherently. You have done both. Yes, you have deep psychological scars, but they can be healed. You made it through alive, and the pain of healing is nothing like the pain of believing the lies, and remembering the helplessness. You cause yourself more pain every time you look at it again, with the same mindset. You need to look at your experiences differently.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*throws his hands up* All right, you know all the answers. How am I supposed to be looking at it? I know what happened back then and I can't change what was then or what I am now?

[primus_seeress]

Void is, for all intents and purposes, gone, but he is still ruling you. You believe yourself to be worthless, treacherous, and cowardly, but Void put those thoughts in your head to begin with, and you made yourself agree with him to avoid the pain he would inflict if you did not. No one would have withstood that, and you survived, by deceiving yourself. Therefore, you are not worthless, or treacherous, or cowardly. Your belief in your worth was buried, when believing it would cause him to torture you longer. Your belief in your loyalty was stifled, when believing it would cause him to taunt you, torment you with your own regrets. Your belief in your courage was supressed, when he fed on your fear and made it grow. These are things you have forgotten, and you must remember that they are all lies, all to soften the torment that Void would have put you through, otherwise. But they are lies.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*feels a bit uncomfortable listening to her, but she's making a good point* I had to do what he said, had to say what he wanted me to say. Got to the point I wasn't even safe in my own head; he can tell what a person's feeling.

[primus_seeress]

*she nods* That is exactly my point. Your memories are skewed in the direction Void wanted them to be; it was the only way he could control you as he did. The pain you remember will still be the same pain, but it will be far less devastating, when you remember what you made yourself believe. He played literal mind games with you, and you have to re-learn how to think in a less destructive pattern.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

And how do I do that?

[primus_seeress]

First you must review some the memories that cause you emotional pain, and in the beginning, if at all possible, share them with someone who can look at them objectively. If there are assumptions you have made because of Void's machinations, an outsider is more likely to see them, and point them out. If you can learn to see them as the more objective person does, you can begin to see the harmful patterns in some of your other memories, and correct them. You will still remember how you felt at the time, but you will no longer feel exactly the way you did in the memory, when you recall it.