Scourge Arrives

[primus_seeress]

*Auspex is wandering in the wildernesses around her sanctuary. There are times she simply needs to see the sky and stars, and seek Primus in the landscape of her homeworld. She drifts over the plains, utilizing her seldom-used hover vehicle mode. She finds a peculiar outcropping of metal, transforms, and climbs up a little higher, to perch on it, and survey the scenery.*

*She has a suspicion Primus has a purpose for her being here... but doesn't he always? She murmurs a prayer as she watches the serene landscape.*

((originally dated 2006-10-14 23:23:00))

Comments

[primus_seeress]

So, it's not a physical sensation at all that you dreaded most, but the knowledge that you had no control over the outcome? And, if that is the case, as a wild theoretical: if someone, anyone else, not associated with Void, had done such a thing to you at the time, would you have felt the same fear, or would it have been anger, or something else?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

I'd have been upset no matter who did it, you idiot. It's my damn fuel. *throws his hands up*

[primus_seeress]

*she sighs* It is important! I need to know if you are truly afraid of pain, or are simply afraid of not having control of the situation. I need to know if you were afraid of Void either because of what he was, or because he simply happened to be the one that had control of you!

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*waves a hand at her* You don't need to know anything! My mind's my own!

[primus_seeress]

*Her optics dim; she is hurt. Her voice is very soft* I know. I needed to know, if I would be of any use to you. Perhaps, if you find my questions so frustrating, you should just tell me of things as they come to you, and I will listen. That may be therapeutic as well, though it will not be quite as much help to you overall. *she is studying her feet intently*

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

You sound like some medic asking me if it hurts when you poke there. *sits back, arms draped over his legs* It's not exactly something you can analyze. It's just fear and pain and then more of both.

[primus_seeress]

*Auspex sighs again. She seems to be doing that a lot* I know -- I'm simply trying to get an idea of how you feel, exactly, and I'm only agitating you. *her optics flicker offline* I can't clearly see the emotions you've felt in the past, unless you exhibit them now, where I can sense them. I want so much to help you, but you are turning away.. Just tell me what troubles you! *She looks at him, optics of terrible sadness, with the sorrow of Primus, the fact that she is failing at this, failing to soothe, achieving the opposite of what she is seeking. This is her worst fear: to find brokeness, but be unable to bring solace...*

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

What troubles me? *waves his arm at you again, raising his voice* I can't sleep, I overcharge half the times I eat, I'm jumping at shadows and the whole army thinks I'm worthless. Is that enough problems for you?

[primus_seeress]

No, not until you tell me what keeps you awake, what prompts you to overcharge, what you imagine to be in the shadows, and why you are paralyzed. 'Void' is the general answer, but I need your experiences, what you lived, who you became through it. I know now that he would drain you of energy for whatever twisted, Chaotic reasons he had in his head, but why do you over-fuel because of it? Would he not simply drain it anyway if he felt like it, leaving you with as little as you would have had otherwise? Or is it just an impulse to banish your pain?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

I drink because I was so hungry I forgot what having a full tank felt like. With Void I drank half and hid half, just in case he took it out of me again or starved me. He never found my stash, thank Primus.

[primus_seeress]

*she senses the emotions, the desperation for fuel, the relief of the chance to hide some, and she understands that much more about who he is and what he did* You did not give up, you did what you could to make provision for yourself. That is not a trait of uselessness.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

But I'm still doing it, even when I don't have to. There's your weakness aspect, right there.

[primus_seeress]

Hmm. Is it habit? Or fear this sort of thing will happen to you again? You do know, at least intellectually, that this is not likely to happen?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

Yeah. He's gone, he went back to that other universe as a chibi. But it doesn't stop me being scared.

[primus_seeress]

Well... perhaps it will simply take time, but longer than you expected. But... isn't there anyone you can put your confidence in, that will give you some sense of safety? Or is that culturally impossible?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

I can trust Cyc not to kill me, but he doesn't respect me.

[primus_seeress]

*she looks thoughtful a moment* How is your relationship with Primus?

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

I don't bother him and he doesn't bother me. Simple.

[primus_seeress]

*she smiles slightly* You know you can't say such a thing to a priestess and expect to leave it at that. He doesn't bother people, he guides them. And perhaps, if you sought him out, you might find some reassurance there.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

I didn't come out here to pray.

[primus_seeress]

You didn't come out here to do anything, but avoid your people. I'm merely saying, if there is no one else you can look to for strength, Primus will always be there. He is trying to help you even this moment, or he would not have sent me here. *she looks down at her hands* I am attempting to help you, anyway...

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*snarls* He wasn't there when I had my wings welded to the wall, he wasn't there when I had my claws rippped out with pliars, he wasn't there when there was acid running down my face and I couldn't shake it off because I was nailed down. I don't need that kind of help.

[primus_seeress]

*she winces* Well, the only catch is, you have to be aware of his comfort to receive his comfort. Just because you didn't feel his comfort, doesn't mean he wasn't offering it. You have to learn to look for it.

*she looks at him thoughtfully for a moment, an idea in her head, knowing quite well that this is Not Likely to Work* This will sound completely absurd to you, frightening, humiliating, and culturally ridiculous for a Decepticon, but is it any worse than what you've been through already? -- you just need someone who cares to hold you and just... let all of it out. Yes, I am completely serious. You need to release these stored-up emotions, and I am not having any success by talking to you. But the fear you have... I don't think you'll be able to, and I am more or less a stranger. *she shakes her head* But talking you through your pain does not seem to be working.

[corruptedhope.livejournal.com]

*shakes his head slightly* Cyc...look, we tried that. *his face turns away again* Or tried to try it, anyway. I freaked.

[primus_seeress]

*she nods slowly, catching the emotion there, and finding more reasons for concern. She speaks gently* He attempted it; I am encouraged to hear that. Why does it frighten you so, coming from someone you care so much for?